SEXSQUATCH – THE LEGEND OF BLOOD STOOL CREEK

I have often heard the term ‘jaded horror fan’ being bandied about. Personally, I find flitting between subgenres and revisiting favoured directors usually ensures I never get bored. But I do understand the concept of being ‘jaded’; Zombies and Vampires have been done to death. Torture porn’s once provocative teeth have been reduced to a pair of slobbering gums. So if you’re looking for something fun and original, why not check out a dinky little feature written and directed by Chris Seaver. It’s kind of hard to categorize SEXSQUATCH – THE LEGEND OF BLOOD STOOL CREEK in the current climate. But if madcap hairy horror with regular dollops of arse rupturing mayhem ever comes into vogue, this is where it all began!

The premise is pretty simple for this twisted tale of hair laden lust. A group of oversexed friends are throwing a party. For starters we have Leo (Tobe Lerone), whose black mullet and Yosemite Sam moustache combined with his alleged collection of ‘scalped buttholes’ proves his is a man not to be crossed. Along with his adorable and wonderfully voluptuous wife Crystal (Anne Marie Nouvo) their happy marriage involves regular threesomes with the donut obsessed Skippy (Steven Deniro). Their neighbour is the open minded Muffy (Francine Mitchell). Like most parents she wants the best for her child, but unlike most parents, she is helping to arrange the popping her sons Joeys proverbial cherry! Possibly due to the fact Joey Jeremiah (Chip Rockcaste) has ambitions of being ‘the president of show business’ ("Why can’t Meryl Streep be in RABID GRANNIES" he chides) he has remained a virgin into his early twenties.

As such a party has been arranged with a couple of willing female locals invited to help with the deflowering. The party is in full swing. A loving rendition of "Happy Fuckday to you.." has been sung, and the accompanying cakes candles have been farted out. But unbeknown to the celebrating sex fiends, a hairy beast by the name of Stink Fist is stalking the surrounding area. With his newly found sidekick, Marmalade (Spamuel L Jackson) the Sexsquatch is on the hunt for, well, buttholes to precise with which to pleasure him with!

It’s not long before the two hell raising parties collide resulting in blood, rape and murder along with a couple of aftermath cumshot’s so thick and splodgey they could well be sponsored by Hellmann’s Mayonnaise....!

Even if zero budget screwball flicks are not your thing, possibly helped by the movie clocking in at an affable 59 minutes, it is nigh impossible not to have at least a little fun with the deranged tomfoolery of SEXSQUATCH.

Something that became notable fairly early on, the first 30 seconds in truth, was the fact the dialogue was almost fully comprised of amusing one liners. These ranged from the obscene ("I love getting stuffed in my clam flaps" exclaims one female protagonist in the throes of passion) to the downright peculiar ("Oh there’s my dog shit I forgot about!"). And who could fail to appreciate such cinematic gold (-en showers) such as "Lets piss on this bitch like Chuck Berry!"?

Stink Fist himself even gets to deliver some delightful dialogue and his sophisticated Shakespearian intonation is a joy to behold as passionately asserts lines such as "Poop damn you! Pooooooop!"

Beyond the toilet humour of the script, fart jokes and gurning pepper the flick which guarantees there is never a dull moment.

It’s safe to say the gore is not exactly ground-breaking. It is limited to a few red splashes on props and the cast drooling and spitting out crimson liquid to indicate their respective demises. There was one sequence where a victim’s intestine was pulled out of their stomach and although it looked as believable as an uncut copy of HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 with a BBFC rating on the cover, it was forgivably apt for the wacky movie in which it featured.

Onto the disc itself and there are a couple of EXTRAS to report. A trailer reel from SRS Cinema exhibits cheaply made fare such as MS CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, CLAY, HORNO and the brilliantly titled I SPIT ON YOUR CORPSE I PISS ON YOUR GRAVE. But far more relevant to the main course is the BLOOPERS segment. This 12 minute skit is obviously a collection of behind the scenes footage including the cast struggling to contain their sniggers when delivering the insane dialogue. There was one moment however (when Rod Bollo Skin perfects his lustful murmurings of the beast in the opening pre-credit sequence) that played out like BERBERIAN SOUND STUDIO after 6 cans of Special Brew!

On the face of it, SEXSQUATCH would not usually be the sort of thing I would motivate myself to watch, jaded or otherwise. But given the prudent runtime of a few seconds short of an hour and of course its balls out silliness, something tells me if this was scheduled for a morning showing at a UK horror-fest (just as MANBORG was on the Saturday morning at Celluloid Screams) I have a hunch the end credits could well be greeted with rapturous appreciation from the audience.

Final mention goes to Chris Seaver. If you have a few spare minutes why not check out his warlockhomevideo.com website which is an ode to cheesy VHS horror. Beyond that, if you have a few spare quid, a donation to the planned Teen Ape movie project, tentatively titled ANAL PAPRIKA 2, certainly has its perks. A $25 donation will get your name on the End Credits; But if you have a spare $1000 kicking around your sock drawer, you will be credited as an EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, get an IMDB credit, actually get to star in the movie itself alongside Teen Ape no less AND get a copy of the movie with signed photos! I feel a trip to CORAL bookmakers may be in order....

Review by Marc Lissenburg